American Awful

Let me preface this with the fact that when I realized it was already time for group night, I actually thought there was hope for me. I really thought last night would be so much better than the night before. Group night is always one of my favorites. I like the bitterness of the people who think their group isn’t living up to their talent and then seeing the judges keep the group and not the HBIC who made the whole group miserable. It makes me soooo happy. Unfortunately, my hopes of getting to watch group night were slowly,  and laboriously dashed in an hour long shit show. Yeah I said it – Shit. Show. That’s all this was.

I really don’t like writing only negative things.  I’m really not a negative person.  Don’t get me wrong,  I’m no Ellen. I’m not incapable of saying bad things, but I’m not Simon either. I don’t look for bad things to say even in the best of performances.  Thusly, I am having a moral dilemma as to whether or not to even write about this episode. You see, I like to write about American Idol, the SINGING competition. But we faithful viewers, we didn’t get a singing competition. I don’t even know what to call what I sat through last night, and let me say that if you haven’t watched the episode yet, don’t. You literally missed NOTHING. How can you have an hour long episode of a singing competition, and not showing a SINGLE group singing on stage until the last 30 seconds and not even getting to see that single group sing, and instead, having another To Be Continued thrown in your face?

If I had to sum up this episode into a few bullet points (because I feel like really, that’s all it deserves), they would be as follows:

  1. Nobody likes cops. Especially bitchy ones who only want to sing Joy to the World (NOT THE CHRISTMAS CAROL)
  2. People who live in tents should never attempt living indoors
  3. Gathering a group of teens/twenty-somethings into a single hotel is probably how AIDS really started.
  4. Stage parents are genuinely as awful as depicted on Toddlers and Tiaras… wait, I forgot. That show is real life too.

Really, the bullet points are barely necessary as it is. I could probably sum this entire episode into one word.


Ok, maybe I couldn’t stick to one word but those two definitely sum it up nicely.

I watch Idol because I love seeing amazing singers developing their talent and the stress and dedication it takes to keep going on week to week in front of the world, being judged every step of the way, for better or worse. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some drama. I am a fan of the Real Housewives series after all. And there’s nothing I love more than a show that revolves around Jersey natives screaming at each other. HOWEVER, that is NOT why I watch American Idol and it’s not what I want when I watch Idol. I don’t watch it to see more emergency staff members than an episode of ER.  I don’t watch it to see a new strain of bird flu run rampant through a Los Angeles hotel lobby.

And, to add insult to injury, I had to see Lauren Mink, who I’d already thought was in, yesterday, be voted out in the first few minutes of the episode. Not my beloved Lauren!!! There was an audible Noooooooo!!!!!! It’s not faaiiiirrrrr!!! that came out of me mouth as I saw her voted off. If I knew I was going to have to sit through what I sat through, I would’ve turned it off after seeing my sweet sweet Lauren go home.

So, only because I already wrote it, I’ll expand a little on my aforementioned bullet points.

  • Nobody likes cops. Especially bitchy ones who only want to sing Joy to the World (NOT THE CHRISTMAS CAROL) –  This cop chick has got to go. Her 20 minutes of screen time was FAR FAR FAAAARRRRR  more than she deserves. No wonder no one likes her. She is awful. I’m a little surprised she didn’t beat that sweet sick Patient Zero Amy, with her billy club. She’s so bossy. I mean, if you need a group, maybe bend your song choices so that people will like you more? I loved that she had her group stolen. Amy didn’t deserve to be treated the way she was being treated by that woman. She was just the WORST. I’m not gonna say that she gives all cops a bad name, but she didn’t do cops any favors. And speaking of Jersey shows I watch, she reminds me of this girl Tracy DiMarco from Jerseylicions. Style network? Anyone? You can check out this article, it sums her up pretty well.
  • People who live in tents should never attempt living indoors – Poor sweet nomad. I felt so bad for you this episode. I didn’t want to see you eliminated or not be able to find a group just because you’re dealing with what looks like the early stages of some kind of bird flu. I guess living indoors just wasn’t suiting her. She even said being inside was suffocating her. She looks a lot thinner than she did when she tried out, too. Definitely sickly. I can’t blame the girl from the group she ended up in saying “Don’t get me sick, that’s the only rule” I probably would’ve asked her to stay a solid 5 feet away from me at all times and I definitely would’ve been lathering myself in anti-bacterial soap the whole time we were rehearsing. That being said, I don’t think she was the one that Ryan suggested, seemed to be making everyone sick. To me it seemed like most of the other sick people were vomiting. Slightly different from Amys symptoms.
  • Gathering a group of teens/twenty-somethings into a single hotel is probably how AIDS really started – See above.
  • Stage parents are genuinely as awful as depicted on Toddlers and Tiaras… – To the Mom of Brielle (who I read was actually in a group with Pia Toscano last season during Hollywood Week), I think it’s hilarious that you say you have to watch your daughter because she can be a little bossy sometimes, because I’m pretty sure you not only made her that way, but you enforce that reality. And what was with that douchebag father of the girl who fell off stage??? If the doctor tells your daughter that she needs to eat more and drink more water, don’t tell her not to eat, and only that she needs to drink more. I can practically see her eating disorder developing as I watch this. I do not hope that you become a famous mentor/manager. I hope that your daughter becomes famous and pulls a Macaulay Culkin and emancipates herself from your douchebag ass. And finally, Sir, Are you on something? You look like you could possibly be a crack addict. Was it just me that thought that?

Ok I swear I’m done ranting. I hope I’m done anyway. If I have to watch another escapade like what I watched tonight, I swear there will be a remote going through my television.

Categories: American Idol, Television | Leave a comment

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