American Idol – Portlandia

Well it happens every season. I say I hate the sob stories (because I usually do) and that it’s no reason to ever let someone in (because it isn’t). Then the time comes and I’m quietly trying to hide the tears in my eyes from my mocking husband. It’s inevitable. It kind of happened twice in this episode. We’ll call it one and a half times. We’ll get to them but first, a few of the other contestants.

Booger guy Ben – sorry you aren’t feeling well but that’s probably a good reason to just forego auditioning. It’s an omen.

David Weed – works in the fast food industry – that’s really the best name for a guy with that kind of job. I kind of get where he’s coming from with Styx, or whatever he sang, but in a terrible kind of way. I hope you find something you love. Maybe within the music industry, just not the “on stage” part.

Ben – This guy looks like a televangelist or a game show host. My husband says he looks like a weird baby. I’m lead to believe something more along the lines of Famous as a child star but wasn’t a child star. Maybe some kind of weird un-funny Chris Farley re-incarnation? He’s like a living blonde chucky doll. He scares me to look at him. I’m not gonna lie. I think it’s the cheeks.

The only bad person I really want to talk about is Sam Gershmin. In my head, by her pre-audition excitedness, I thought she looked more like someone who would try out for the Glee Project, than someone who tries out for Idol. I’ll agree with the judges (because I just said this) that she would be a better fit trying out for Broadway (or the Glee Project), but what makes my blood boil is when they say Maybe for Broadway, but you’re not ready for Idol. Um. Just for the record, Idol isn’t ready for Broadway. I mean, how many Broadway stars think to themselves, Man, I’ve got a great career on Broadway, I really need to move onto the next step. I’m gonna try out for Idol! Stop insulting the Great White Way like that.

I also wanted to bring up, since I just mentioned the awesome show that is the Glee Project (TGP), and I didn’t notice this myself, someone else pointed it out to me, but…. I want to mention Emily Vasquez, a saucy Latina and fan favorite from THAT show, was in the montage of Golden Ticket holders in this episode. Trust me if you see her, if we get to see her, you’re going to love her. She’s so fun, she has a great voice and just the most infectious funny attitude. She was great. Here‘s a little sample of what she brings to the table. She’s like Rosie Perez meets Sofia Vergara. Hopefully being on TGP first won’t hurt her chances. Also, you should watch The Glee Project. And Glee, for that matter.

Ok moving onto the folks who made it, in order of importance (least to most).

Tripster the Hipster – Was her real name Brittany? Remember crazy bull-ring nose girl whose name escapes me because of her awfulness? This girl reminds of that girl but better. Like, if bull-ring nose girl didn’t have the bull-ring and could sing, she’d be Tripster the Hipster. And I’m a sucker for a girl who falls down. She’s speaking my language. My only issue with her… actually there are two. First, how come they have all these pictures of Sara Bareilles but none of you singing with her like you claim to have done? I saw the picture of your sign. You didn’t take ANY pictures of the actual singing? I don’t believe it. Second thing, she needs a new look. Her lewk (that’s hipster speak) is still a little too close to bull-ring nose girl. Maybe she just needs to clean her glasses? It doesn’t really matter because by the end of the episode I will’ve forgotten about her, through no fault of her own. Oh also, another thing that bothered me. Did you hear her say she wasn’t wearing socks??? With leather boots? Why are you not wearing socks? EW!! Wear socks, hippy!

There was also Naomi Gilles. She sang Cryin’ – I like the bravery of her song choice but she gets what seems to be my cliche line, my own personal dawg if you will, she didn’t do anything for me.

So, the first person to help me forget Tripster, Britnee – I would’ve forgotten more about Tripster except that you spell your name Britnee. Why! Why do parents do this?? I really try to remember that these kids don’t do that to themselves but I can’t brush off the underlying hate of the spelling-nazi in me. She’s really good though, I’ll admit. And you make your stupid ex drink the haterade! She may not have a man but she’s got a good family, and they’re probably better than that ex anyway, except when it comes to spelling.

As for the first moment of my minor tears… the half tears if you will? They came from the backstory of Romeo Diahn. Let’s open our history books to the section on the Liberian Civil War (or any other of the MANY African Civil Wars for that matter). My minor in college was African History (and I’m a paralegal… yeah, I don’t get it either. Or maybe I do). I know a lot about this situation and it’s way more sad than Idol makes it look. There’s something about refugee camps in general that just bring the waterworks for me to some extent. The hardship, leaving your family and your home, it’s really really sad. I’ve never really said this about anyone in the competition in my memory of writing these recaps, but if ever there was a story that was solid but a voice that maybe wasn’t great but was I guess good enough to go through, it would be this guy. Bonus points for his rasta voice and the guy he was with that didn’t know who Ryan was. Jenny from the Block is right, where are you gonna go in this competition? I don’t know… but I’d be willing to give you the pass and hope for the best in the future. You deserve it.

The REAL first person to make me forget Tripster was, Jermaine Jones. Sometimes the church voices are the best voices (case in point – Whitney Houston baby!!) He’s got a panty melter voice to say the least. When he goes into that lower register it’s just – wow. Me likey. Reminds me of the Barry White Simpsons Episode, Whacking Day (there’s no video so your minds will just have to do the remembering). And more importantly is just that I reaallllly liked it. I hope he can keep a handle on his nerves.

With a few bad contestants, and a fair amount of commercial breaks, I had a decent amount of time to let my slightly tear streamed face start to dry up, but then Jessica Phillips came up… I might as well have been watching Beaches. To not feel for what this woman and her boyfriend have gone through, I mean, are you heartless? To have your life change like that in the blink of an eye, when you could walk away from the situation like many people do? You’re a tough cookie Jessica. I could tell by the music before the commercial that her audition was going to be a good, which is good because I may not’ve been able to hear over my sobbing, what she actually sounded like… I hope she makes it far. I really really do. I have sob story love for her. Mad love.

And with that, American Idols Portland audition was over. A solid 45 contesetants earned a golden ticket, bringing it to a total of 263 total golden tickets given out to date with two more audition sessions to go. They’re going to have almost 400 people coming to Hollywood when all is said and done. That seems way excessive to me. Is that just me? Here’s how it’s breaking down so far, in case you were wondering. And I found this lovely chart, here.

Episode air date Audition city Date Venue Callback date Callback venue Golden tickets
January 18, 2012 North Charleston, South Carolina July 22, 2011 North Charleston Coliseum August 17-18, 2011 Hyatt Regency, Savannah, Georgia 42
January 19, 2012 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania July 15, 2011 Heinz Field September 28-29, 2011 David L. Lawrence Convention Center 38
January 22, 2012 San Diego, California July 8, 2011 Petco Park October 9-10, 2011 USS Midway Aircraft Carrier 53
January 25, 2012 Denver, Colorado July 29, 2011 Invesco Field October 5-6, 2011 Doerr-Hosier Center, Aspen 31
January 26, 2012 Houston, Texas August 26, 2011 Reliant Arena August 30-31, 2011 Galveston Island Convention Center 54
February 1, 2012 Portland, Oregon July 2, 2011 Rose Garden October 1-2, 2011 Red Lion Hotel 45
February 2, 2012 St. Louis, Missouri June 28, 2011 Scottrade Center September 2-3, 2011 Hilton St. Louis at the Ballpark
Total number of tickets to Hollywood 263

One last thing, did anyone catch the gramma doing the splits right after the first girl went? Where did she come from? I wanna see more of her!


** Also, apparently, East Rutherford, NJ never happened. So I removed it from the chart. I blame wikipedia. Good thing I didn’t take credit for creating it 🙂 haha.

Categories: American Idol, Television | Leave a comment

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