First and foremost, a shout out to my husband who thoughtfully let me watch American Idol over his favorite show, Wipeout. It’s a great show, don’t get me wrong. I think everyone is well aware of my love of watching Zack watch Wipeout. It combines a lot of my favorite things. People falling, people getting hit in the head, and Zack laughing so hard he can barely breath, tears streaming down his face. It’s a beautiful thing. One day I’ll get a video and everyone will understand. But when it’s on at the same time as Idol AND NBC Thursday night, it loses. Until it moves times, it’s American Idol/NBC night in the Baccala household.
The only thing I know about Galveston, is that it’s one of the places NASA is located at, and it was the location of the deadlieset natural disaster in US history. Until last night. I’m pretty sure America witnessed the death of many things… Randy’s common sense (if he ever had any to begin with), me thinking that Randy and Steven know what their talking about… the dreams of legitimately good singers because Randy and Steven are idiots… Let us delve into the spacetrip that was Galveston. Seriously Galveston, you crazy. This episode takes the cake for all kind of crazy things. Who was smoking the magic mushrooms in Galveston? Or maybe it was heroin? I just don’t even know what this episode was. I feel like I didn’t even take notes because I just kept looking at the TV with my mouth agape, wondering what the hell was going on in front of me.
Remember yesterday when I talked about how much I hate Randy? Well I’m glad to have a new member on my team. Jennifer darling, welcome to the dark side. Usually I think that Jennifer is the weakest when it comes to picking talent but tonight, I definitely agreed with her WAY more than I would ever in a million years agree with the dawg. I don’t even want to use his name anymore. I’m going to go with exactly what I wrote in my notes because I think it expresses my most true feelings towards the episode. Totally in order, changing only the tenses of words so it looks like I am writing this today, instead of last night in the heat of my anger…
Phon Vu, I love you. The energy, the emotion, the sympathy (your words, not mine)… I feel like you might have a lot of internet girlfriends… or boyfriends. I don’t discriminate. And dare I say, you may have more of them after tonight. You were so bad you were good and I thank you for that. I did love your emotion, and your Rachel Berryesque single tear while you were singing. Magical.
I enjoyed the “Baby Lock Them Doors” montage. It makes me laugh that all those country boys thought to turn out because in my head they were saying to themselves “Man, I sound better than Scotty McCreery, I should audition for that Idol thing”. Texas, you may be bigger than the rest of us but you haven’t proven anything as far as having any more measurable talent than anyone else.
And that’s when my DVR locked up… and apparently I missed the only valid person to get a golden ticket? I don’t know. I tried to go back and watch it and the DVR kept going black because it apparently doesn’t want me to see good talent? I don’t know. All I saw was a girl on a 4 wheeler with a deer head in her bedroom, that loved her Pop-pop. I don’t know if she got the golden ticket or not.
Baylie Brown – Did I remember you from 5 years ago? No. But I do remember those two best friend Jersey bitches. And I remember feeling bad for you. That’s really all I remember though. Seeing you from 5 years ago though, I like your hair a lot more now. You definitely looked more mature last night so I hope you do better than you did previously. I think you have potential to compete in Hollywood week this time. Just don’t forget the lyrics. Talk about a pet peeve of mine! Just pick a song you know! And never trust anyone from New Jersey. I have family from there so I can say that.
Kristine Osorio – I’m gonna tell you what bad choices look like. Not to jump up on a high horse, but buying a plane ticket instead of getting your divorce lawyer? No, that wasn’t your bad choice… it was the part about having to take out a loan to do that. How big was the loan? That was either a cheap lawyer or a very expensive plane ticket. You’re lucky that you’re pretty good. Good enough? I don’t think so. I genuinely don’t see you going past Hollywood week. I just don’t… but I am glad you made it because I hate when people do stupid thing and end up sucking, With the way this show is going, I’m sure I’ll see one or two of those by the end of the night.
This is the point where my handwriting gets hard to read. I’m gonna call it my blind rage mixed with my new favorite wine, sweet Moscato… that made my handwriting became borderline illegible. I guess I’ll just have to write what I think I was trying to say, for this part. I definitely remember the emotions…
So this group of ladies that started the whole “Boys vs. Jennifer” montage weren’t that great. The last one with the feather in her hair, I got that they didn’t want her in and I was really fine with it. But that chick Regan (she sang At Last), how could you say no to her? May I remind you of the crap you let through in Pittsburgh? What were you thinking??? She was REALLY good. Very rarely, and I mean, this is incredibly rare, that you guys give a NO to someone, and I don’t agree with you, but this was just beyond a bad call. I hope that girl comes back, that you don’t remember her and you let her through on her amazing voice, and then she glitterbombs you. Or something to that effect. I’ll be flexible with her method of assault. And if I wasn’t mad enough with who you didn’t let through, you bring me Linda Williams.
You’ll remember her as the one who was so excited she was about to pee herself… this was really when I began questioning where they get their idea of what is good because ohemgeeeeeeee how are you going to keep her and not keep Regan? I just do not understand. I genuinely believed the dawg and gramma Steven were just messing with Jennifer when they said they liked Linda. When she told Randy to wake up I thought, ok he’s gonna admit he was joking, except that wasn’t what he did at all. Were you blinded by her looks? I did notice that none of the girls you said NO to were very attractive. And I’m actually fine with that. I totally get the vanity side of the business. Was Lindas look a little model-ish that you thought you had a chance? Do you need a chance with this girl? Don’t you guys have wives? girlfriends? fiances? something? I couldn’t agree more with J.Lo that that was awful. Magic Cyclops was better than that woman. The only part of the whole argument I enjoyed was when Steven said “Say you’re sorry,” and JLo said “for what?” I couldn’t agree more! The whole scene where they were getting their make up touched up and Jennifer couldn’t let it go, I wouldn’t have let it go either. I would’ve been furious. They’re going to be apologizing to YOU, Jennifer, when they have to listen to Linda again in Hollywood week. I mean, if you’re going to let Linda through, why not let Alejandro through while you’re at it??? I think they put him in there just to have someone all the judges had no choice but to agree on.
Alejandro was beyond bizarre, but with the way this episode was going, I’m surprised Randy wasn’t singing his praises. Is this who Lady Gaga was singing about? Oh wow, and then they play Gaga. It’s like I can read the producers mind. I just wish Randy could read mine before he speaks. Anyone else think when Alejandro was screaming “I AM THE REVOLUTION! Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world” before the commercial break, that he was some kind of cult leader and not just a “leader of the underdogs”– I also liked, as I think Steven pointed out, when he said underdogs needed to succeed, and then named truly successful underdogs (although I don’t think Obama was ever an underdog). His best line though, and really a true telling of how good his audition would be:
“I have a girlfriend <pause> I shouldn’t even call her my girlfriend (does that mean you’re just her stalker?) said ‘I can’t wish you luck in something I don’t believe in’.”
And finally, why the hell was his tongue blue? I couldn’t even see passed that. Ok that’s a lie, I saw all the horrible things about him. He’s definitely a TOUCH creepy, funny stalker creepy. The only thing I agreed with Randy on from this whole episode was when he told dear Alejandro “Vocally, never”.
I briefly stopped drinking the Jennifer Lopez kool-aid on Day 2. What was that shirt? Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got the body. I can’t fault you for that. You are super hot. And you looked fine, sitting. Standing, you looked like a fly girl. Didn’t they stop making belly shirts in 1996.
It was contestant #19003, whose name I tried to get but couldn’t when I realized just how much I hate Randy SSSOOOOOOOOOOO very much. Why would you tell him to stop or sing another song? He was 10x’s better than stupid Linda McSuckbag. Why we can’t vote him off I’ll never know (also I googled to find #19003’s name is Cortez Shaw. And he’s super cute).
And then, because this whole episode was like a montage of horribles, karma gets me back. All I can say is, ask and you shall receive – people ruining Adele songs! That’s probably the worst rendition of Rolling in the Deep I’ve ever heard. She definitely belonged in that episode.
And finally, there was Ramiro Garcia, with your quite unique story of your missing ear. What a medically crazy thing that is. And people wonder why I’m scared to have kids. Because crazy things like this happen! At least he’s ok though. His family was definitely cute. I loved his dad crying when he came out of the audition. His Amazing Grace – good job buddy. Me gusto mucho! And with that, the night was over. Thank Jebus.